15 - Fair is Not Always Equitable

When I was growing up, my mom told us "What is Fair is Not Always Equitable."  I didn't know what that meant.  Fast forward over 55 years later, and I think I am finally getting it. In today's episode I touch base on the word "Fair", and what it means to me.  A few shared experiences and a touch on how we can help pave a path for kindness for generations to come. 

Thanks for listening!  This is a hobby podcast, with a positive vibe. No legal or medical advice is provided in this podcast, it's recorded for entertainment purposes only.  No cooking advice either - some things are best left for the professionals.  Have a great day! 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:42

Hey everyone, it's Lindy here. Welcome back to the podcast. Alright, uh, where do I even begin with today? Well, first I'm gonna start by saying welcome to everybody. Welcome to my podcast. It's great to have you here with me today. If it's your first time joining me on my little podcast journey, then a super hearty welcome to you. I am a hobby podcaster, I do this for fun. I'm not in this to give you any advice of any kind. Goodness knows I need enough of my own. I'm just doing this for fun, for entertainment purposes. Uh, it's my creative side, and yeah, I'm just a semi-retired Grammy living on Vancouver Island, Western Canada, and that's a bit about me. Um, if you've listened to my podcast episodes before, through this series or my previous series, thank you so much for coming back and following me. Uh, I do really appreciate it. Alright. I tried to get this started this morning and I couldn't talk. Almost every time I got a word out, I said it backwards. I just couldn't get my words out right. And then I tried to talk about my creative side and I started saying on my creative thighs, and I'm like, oh boy. I need to quit while I'm out here. But I'm not gonna give up. I don't like to give up on things. So, where am I gonna go with today's podcast today? Well, I think I'm gonna talk a little bit about fair, being fair. Uh, and I know where this came from, and it it started with a visit that I had from my grandkids this past week, and oh gosh, I loved it. I had such a great time. I love my grandkids. It was just one of the best visits we've ever had. Uh, and I know it kind of made me think about the word fair because when my grandkids come, I try really hard to be fair. I try to make sure I do things equally. I never want one to feel that I've done more for one than I have the other. But I know sometimes everything can't be perfect, right? Sometimes some things just happen that you might be a little more attention to one than the other in that particular moment. Or maybe you buy something for one that is really only suitable for that one child, and then you do something special for the other one another time. All kinds of things, no different than you know, really parents do when you're juggling trying to be fair with kids. And uh it made me think a lot about it because when I was raising my kids, I tried really hard to be fair, but I'm not sure I always got it right. I mean, heck, I was human. And like most of us when we're parenting or grandparenting, sometimes we have the best of intentions, and maybe we get it right most of the time. Sometimes we make mistakes, but hey, you know what? We're all human. And I think sometimes what it comes down to is intention and where your heart is and and trying to do the very best that you can do. Yeah, I remember when I was a kid growing up, my mom used to often talk about fair in in a sentence, and she would say, Okay, guys, you know what's what's always fair isn't always equitable, you know, and and I remember hearing that a few times and thinking, what the heck does that mean? I I just kind of took it for granted. That was Mun and Mum's sayings. I didn't realize many people say that. And I can think about it now being older. I mean, looking back on, yeah, we had four kids in one house, one parent raising us. Sometimes somebody might need a new pair of shoes, and somebody else didn't need a new pair of shoes. So maybe you got four kids in the house, you go to the store on the weekend, two get new shoes, two don't. It's not about anyone trying to be fair. It has nothing to do with that at all. It has to do with the fact that maybe somebody only does need shoes, somebody else doesn't need them. There's a budget, you gotta live within the budget, and you can't just buy everybody new shoes every time one person outgrows a pair. So yeah, there might be one kid that grows faster than the other, maybe one kid gets the hand-me-downs. That was me. I got a lot of hand-me-downs. I was lucky. But anyway, whatever it is, it's I guess I'm just saying that sometimes parents do their best, but uh, as my mom used to say, sometimes what is fair is not always equitable. I remember uh a situation many years ago when there was somebody that I know who was struggling a little bit. She was kind of frustrated because she had kids, and uh on one of her in-laws had children, and she felt that the grandparents were really favoring the kids on the other side. And and again, this was many, many, many years ago. I just remember this situation. So anyway, she felt that the grandparents were favoring the kids on the other side, and it seemed the other kids were often getting new clothing, getting trips to McDonald's, or you know, getting trips to go out for hamburgers or just things like that, that really her kids weren't getting the same thing. And she kind of felt like at some point she's like, Well, why do they always do so much for the other kids and not for mine? Well, in that particular situation, she figured it out, and really the family on the other side was struggling financially. And uh, for whatever their reasons were, I don't know, I can't comment on it, but it was a family that was struggling. And the grandparents were helping the other kids because they really knew if they didn't help out, those other kids probably wouldn't be able to have those things, wouldn't get to do those things. And it wasn't that they loved one child over another, it wasn't that they loved one grandchild over another. They were just assessing where they thought the help was needed most. And I know that can be kind of tricky because sometimes, especially when you have lots of people and everybody's got their kids and the whole family comes together, you want to feel like your kids matter as much as your brother's kids or your sister's kids. But I guess what I'm just saying is sometimes, uh, as my mom always said, what is fair is not always equitable, and you can't always put a dollar figure on love. And yeah, I'm not an expert in any of all of this, but I just was thinking about this whole fair thing, you know, this past week and thinking, yeah, gosh, I hope I really am being fair. And you know, in life, I I try to treat people fairly, I really do, and I'm sure in my lifetime, good gosh, I've probably screwed it up and not got it right, but heck, who the heck hasn't, right? We're all human. We make mistakes, we learn, we grow. Hopefully we learn from those mistakes and we try not to repeat them. Um and if you keep on doing it over and over again, well, then it's not a mistake, right? If you keep repeating it, then it's probably intentional. So yeah, when I've made mistakes and I've made my share, I try to learn from them and try to move forward. Um, and I know, you know, just thinking about when I was growing up and the things that my mom used to do, she used to really try hard to do things that would be fair to us in different ways. For example, reading time. Uh, there were four of us kids, and of course, there's being seven years difference between me and my oldest sister. My needs when I were younger were a lot different than my sister's needs. But my mom always set aside special time for all of us. Whether she was baking with someone, cooking with somebody, she even used to go out and throw a softball for us, turn skipping ropes, ride bikes with us, or read stories with us. She always set aside special time just for each one of us individually. And I don't know how the heck she managed to do it. She always did. But you know, it was really a good thing that she did, and in her own way, it was her way of just trying to make sure that she treated all of us fairly. Uh yeah, there's just so many things that you think about fair, and I know I even think about the workplace. You know, we talk about treating people fairly. Well, if you've ever looked up the word nepotism, nepotism is when people aren't being treated fairly, when people are being favorited. And yeah, I've been in situations like that before, and I have worked in places where people were not being treated fairly, and it kind of sucks when that happens. It's really hard for morale. I remember one time I was working at a place where there was a couple of us that kind of started around the same time. And quite honestly, I think I came in with much higher um skills at what we were doing. And there's just stuff that I spent a lot of time working on and taking courses and learning. And I know we were both equally working hard at the same time, but the difference was my coworker became very good friends with the boss. And soon they were doing a lot of stuff on weekends together. Their kids were doing stuff together on weekends, they're all traveling together, and boom, when the time for promotions came out, we were not given equal opportunity because I wasn't friends with the boss. It was quite obvious. And that kind of thing can be really hard. Those kind of things can cause really hard feelings, even for good people, because my co-worker was a good person. I was a good person, but I remember at the time feeling quite irritated by it, especially because I was often helping my co-worker to learn parts of the job. And it felt really odd to me that here I am being in the good sport, and I'm taking the time to learn all this stuff on my own time, and now I'm going back and teaching my coworker how to do it, and now my co-worker's getting the promotions. So, you know, in that particular case, I went, yeah, yeah, what was fair was not equitable in that case. But sometimes those things happen in life and how you react to it, how you deal with it can really make a difference in your future and what you do. In that particular case, I kind of figured out that uh as long as we were both together and one was friends with the boss and one wasn't, I would never have the same opportunity. So I went somewhere else where I could have even better opportunities. So at the end of the day, it was a win-win for everybody. It's just unfortunate that I had to change jobs for that to happen. But, you know, you just have to think about all these things that can happen, right? And this isn't sour grapes at all. I'm just stating that it was a challenging situation. And sometimes when things happen and you don't feel you're being treated fairly, sometimes you either address it or you move on. That's not advice. That's just how I would do it. I said I wasn't gonna give advice. Oh boy. But you know, even talking about this whole fairly thing, and then I was even thinking about this hiring thing. I remember this one guy once, many years ago, who hired a family member who was struggling. And he knew his family member had challenges that many people wouldn't understand, and he was doing his best to help that family member remain employed. And he was a really wise man, because you know what he did? He told his trusted employees that he was just trying to help this family member, and he engaged his trusted employees in helping to make it a comfortable environment for everybody. He maintained open communication, and even though his family member needed a bit more support, his staff understood. And nobody felt like it was favoritism. So yeah, it was just really amazing. So how he handled it made such a difference. He maintained open communication, and he did his best to maintain the dignity of his family member, and he did his best to reward his employees who worked to make it an inclusive environment. And you know, he also insisted that his family member had to follow the company rules, just like everybody else. So I look back at that situation and that fellow, and I think, yeah, how it was handled and the right people involved really made it a win-win for everybody. So yeah, it can be done, but it just really helps if everybody's on the same page. And playing fair doesn't just happen in sports or with kids, you know, it can happen in so many different things. And I don't like to be around people who have to win at all costs. Yeah, sure, I like to win at things, um, but I don't always have to be number one. Nah, it's not in my nature to be like that. And I know it's different for people who are competitive at competitive athletes, or maybe their athletic career depends on it. You know, competition's always a good thing. Really it is. But sometimes people forget about the words friendly competition. Hey, how about just being friendly or just being a good friend? I mean, yeah, we had a situation with the neighbor who's so focused on winning, he's willing to do anything to prove he can outsmart his neighbor, and he doesn't really care if his actions are fair or unfair, or he doesn't care if he causes damage to anyone. All he cares about is being number one and being at the top and having the last laugh. And yeah, that's not playing fair, and it's not a laughing matter. And I always say it's never good when you're happy about knocking someone down, even it's at the expense of others. Nah, that's not playing fair. Um, I often think of my mom as I always do and all the things that she taught us. I probably talked about this in a previous episode. Hey, I'm getting older now, I might repeat myself. Uh, but I I think I did talk about this in a previous episode, how my my mom had always insisted that we had to be inclusive to people in the neighborhood. And I can still remember this one time um that we had a little girl. She was at the back fence, like we had an alley that went behind our house when we were kids, like a little alley in the back way. And I was playing in the backyard with one of my friends. I think we were playing Barbies and Dolls. It's just me and this one friend. And then I could see behind us, peering in the fence, was this other little girl that we didn't know who she was. Um, probably around the same age. I'd never seen her before, but she was just staring in our fence. We didn't know who she was. And I remember the friend I was playing with kind of looked over and said, ignore her, ignore her, don't look at her. And you know, my friend just wanted to keep going because we each had the right number of toys, whatever the right number of toys was, but we each had our Barbies all set up in our little house and we're doing our thing, and my friend didn't want to be interrupted. And my friend was kind of snickering and just saying, Yeah, ignore her, pretend we don't see her. She she just really wanted it to be us. And I can remember sitting, I was kind of had my ears were probably going kind of red, and I think on the inside I knew this just didn't feel right, but I didn't want to upset the friend I was with. I didn't want to leave the girl out that was standing in the yard behind us. And I can still remember this, okay? So I'm almost 60. This is probably 55 years ago or more that this happened, but I'll never forget this because I can still see my mom's face that day. Um, she was in the window and she was looking out at us. So where we were playing in our old backyard, our kitchen window looked right over the backyard. We had an old propane stove in front of that window, and mom had been sitting on there stirring something in a pot and watching us play while she was cooking. And she saw what was going on. She knocked on the window. She would do that, and she'd just give it three little knocks, get my attention, then she pointed to the fence behind me. I told my friend, uh oh, you know, Mum's seeing us, we're gonna have to let her in, and so I did. And you know, I can't remember much else except I think I remember we all played together, and I remember how I felt so much better on the inside. I knew my mom was right, and I think I was probably five or six years old at the time, so yeah, you know, very much at an age where we're learning right from wrong, and we can easily get influenced by those around us. And I'm so glad my mom was watching over me that day. Um, yeah, sometimes I still think my mom's watching over me. Uh, but you know, really I I just think about that. And you know, what mom was teaching us is it's not right and it's not fair to make somebody sit off on the side and not have a chance. And I I remember my mom also, like if somebody was being a jerk or something or they were really acting up, then certainly we had permission to say no thanks. But you know, as long as somebody was playing fairly and being kind, she didn't allow us to let anybody sit out. Um, it's hard sometimes with little kids, you know, and you just want to let them win. Sometimes I'll do games with my grandkids, and I just want to make sure I can let them win. And I really was reminded of that when I have my grandkids here. I mean, they're six and under, lots of learning, and it takes me back again to childhood, and I remember sibling rivalry, rivalry, and sometimes sibling rivalry can just remove the joy of a game. And how you handle it's gonna guide children for years to come. And we had really great discussions, you know, on this visit. We talked about the importance of teaching children that sometimes the dice just doesn't roll in your favor. And you gotta teach kids how you handle that. It's gonna make a difference for yourself and for everyone around you. Yeah, we don't always win in games. Heck, we don't always win in life. But how we handle it, what we choose to take from it, and how we choose to react to it can really make a difference. When you live with others, there's that desire to make sure chores are spread out with everybody around you. And it's not fair if someone's always making a mess and leaving a mess for someone else to clean up. You know, it's not fair if somebody just did the dishes and you come along and have a snack and get crumbs all over the floor. Oops, sorry about my race cakes, Randy. Anyway, it's not fair if somebody comes and makes a big mess when somebody else has just cleaned it up. It's kind of rude. Or let's just say you've just uh vacuumed the house or the floors are all clean and somebody decides to come running in, they want to run to the bathroom, don't want to take their boots off, and boom, there's mud all across the rugs. Yeah, that's not fair. Don't do that stuff. It's not fair if someone's running the TV full blast all day and nobody else in the house can listen to music or even read a book in peace. Yeah, there's just so many things that really aren't fair. Um, but I'm really lucky, and my partner and I don't have set rules as to who does what. We just we both pitch in. There's some things he can do or that he does do that I just don't do, and some things I'm gonna do just because I can do them, and it is my way of helping, so we're pretty lucky, I'd say. At the end of the day, everything's pretty fair around our house. And when it's not, ha. You don't want to know. I'm just kidding. Anyway, I go back to the old line about what is fair is not always equitable. That line that I heard from my mum, the woman who raised four kids on her own at a time when there was no assistance out there for single parents. What was fair was not always equitable. But as an adult, I look back on what she did for us, and I can't imagine how she did what she did. Her love for us was demonstrated by her actions. There was no need to ask if it was fair. Do you have little kids in your world? Little children, are you a parent, you a grandparent? Do you teach the young ones around you that fair play comes in many different forms? Do you teach children to cheer on others, to be happy for successes that others are celebrating? Do you teach them to be a good sport, to care, to include, to be kind? Do you teach them that being first doesn't always mean that you have to yell, I won't? Yeah, lots of kids like to do that. That's the first thing you're at the end of the race, I won! I won! I won. Um, but do you teach them not to gloat about it when they have what others may not have? Um that's just so important to do that, you know, just to, I guess basically teaching kids not to brag. And part of that is being fair, right? Not everybody will always get number one in that, but you know, you can always come in and and teach your kids that part of being fair is even if you're number one, turn to the one beside you and say, Hey, you did great. You know, nice worker, nice job. Um, yeah, part of the part of being gracious, I think, is part of being fair. Um, as an adult, uh, do we need reminders? Um, probably. I mean, do we get complacent and sometimes forget that others may have different situations, perhaps different finances, maybe different physical abilities? Do we celebrate uh happy moments with our friends? Or do some of us just sit there and we silently seethe inside because they're way more successful than we are? If you're seething inside because you feel your friends are more successful, then you may be forgetting what defines success. Success doesn't always begin with winning or a dollar figure or having the fastest car or the biggest house or the slimmest body or the most money in the bank. That doesn't always define success. I remember a song my mom shared with me many years ago. Uh I think I've been provided at a church service, and uh I grew up going to church with my mom. Uh my mom was actually very strong uh practicing in the Catholic faith. And um, I'm not preaching in here today, um, not at all, um, but it is something that stood out with me, and that it just because it means so much to me. It was something that my mom had brought home, and I kept a copy of it. I couldn't find it. I was looking for it the other day, so I looked it up online. And it was created by a gentleman named Gregory, I hope I say this right, Norbert. I think he's a composer, singer, a retreat director. I read online that he had served for years as a Benedictine monk. Um, and he's the guy, I believe, that wrote this. So I just want to share these words. This was something that my mom had with her for many years, and it goes like this. I want to say something to all of you who've become a part of the fabric of my life. The color and texture which you have brought into my being have become a song, and I want to sing it forever. There is an energy in us which makes things happen when the paths of other persons touch ours, and we have to be there and let it happen. But when the time of our particular sunset comes our thing or accomplishment won't really matter a great deal, but the clarity and care with which we'd loved others will speak with vitality of the great gift of life we've been with each other. I love those words. I always will. I loved how he said when the time of our particular sunset comes our thing, our accomplishment won't really matter a great deal. But the clarity and care with which we've loved others will speak with vitality of the great gift of life we've been for each other.

unknown 21:25

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 21:25

Yeah, when someone yells I won, it's okay to say way to go, even if you're the opponent. If it was not fair play, how you might react influences how it goes. So anyway, these are all my thoughts for the day on playing fair, even competition, kindness, how we treat each other, and how we can help young people follow a path that will lead to a more kind and better world. Goodness knows, we could use a lot more help these days. And in my eyes, if you're kind to others, that makes you a winner. All right, I better get going. I've got some lines I gotta go practice for a class tonight. And here's a quick note, I'm just gonna tell a quick funny little story, then I'm gonna go. So practicing these lines for the scene that I have. This is a little off topic, but I gotta share this. So I'm playing somebody who's at turn of the century when they wear long gowns, corsets, bloomers, gloves, that kind of thing. And I'm practicing my lines the other morning, and my hubby's snoozing in the other room, and I'm practicing my lines. And one of my lines says, What did you say? So I'm I'm doing my lines and I go, What did you say? And he walks by the room and he yells out, Nothing. It took a moment and it registered me. He's replying to my line. So I had a good laugh and said, Hey, I'm practicing lines. And I said, Didn't you notice? I Sounded so miserable? Because I'm supposed to be this miserable old baton in this part. And I'm going, didn't you notice I sounded so miserable? And his response was, I thought you're on the phone with CRA again. Oh boy, did I ever laugh? He was serious. See, the morning prior to had this big long chat on the phone with CRA. And don't worry, I'm not in trouble. I've done nothing wrong. It's just I had an issue that I had to discuss with him, and it was a long call. So anyway, I laughed. And I tried to show him that's how I was doing my lines. So anyway, going back, I'm playing this turn of the century woman who's kind of giving a rough time to a young gal who's expecting a child at a wedlock. So in the lines, I'm chastising her really because she hasn't had her monthly come around. So I'm just not getting the lines right. I'm having a hard time with the words. And I turn, I say to Randy, Huh, I think I'd do better if I was dressed up in period costume. He looks at me. I'm like, okay, if I was dressed in costumes for that period, that time period, not dressed up in a period costume. Okay, so I correct my words there. We have a good chuckle. And then I said, Hey, how does this look? Do I look grumpy? Because I'm supposed to be grumpy in this part. And I'm like, I try to make my grumpy face. Well, last time he told me to show my grumpy face, I frowned and wrinkled my nose, and he told me it looked like I was trying to have a poo. So I'm not trying to do that either. I'm just trying to practice and get this right for my glass tonight. So I really wanted a mean face, you know, not a scrunched up, silly face. I'm known to be theatrical. I'm trying to bring it down a notch, so I try it and I go, hey, does this look grumpy? How about this? And I asked him that while I was practicing my lines, and he looks at me and goes, You know what you used to say about your face on the security camera? Well, I had to think. Our security camera picked up my expression a few times, and I looked really grumpy. And it did surprise me at the time, and I realized that when I'm concentrating, I have a scrunched-up looking frown. It's not that I'm grumpy, I'm just concentrating. So, anyways, he turns around and he says to me, just try to create your normal face that you see on the camera. Okay, my normal face like the one I see on the security camera, and you're telling me that's how I'm gonna look grumpy? Oh no. So now we're both laughing, and this practice for me is not going in the direction at all it was supposed to. We both keep ending up in laughter. So finally I just decide I'm gonna tone it down and I'm gonna practice a few more times, and I'm relying on him to help guide me when he sees me making goofy faces, because I have this tendency to think that I'm making expressions and being theatrical, and I end up just kind of looking kind of goofy. So anyway, he corrected me a few times, and I'm trying not to look goofy, I'm trying to look straight-faced, and finally he goes, I don't know if we should coach, we're just gonna end up divorced. That was it. We're both in fits of laughter, and the beauty of it is though, is he's helping me. I need the help, and the humor was greatly needed. So now I know all these things. I need to go back, try to look straight-faced, and not crack any more jokes and go and practice my lines. So hopefully I get them right tonight. Anyway, on that note, um, you know, my last podcast series used to include recorded videos, and I'm thinking this morning, thank goodness this is just audio. You would have thought I was a grumpy podcaster. Okay. Anyway, that's it. It is time to run. Places to go, people to see, things to do. And I hope you have a wonderful day. Thanks again for tuning in, for listening to my little humble rambling. And uh, if you are listening to this on a podcast app, you know, it would really make my day if you could rate my show. Um, I don't know which app you're listening to it on, but I think Spotify and maybe Apple, a few others have places where you can either give a hopefully five-star review or where you can actually give a positive review on there. So if you happen to see that in your app and you can put a little review and gosh, it would really make my day. Um and if you also look in the show notes to this podcast, there should be a link to where you can text me a little note. It's something that's set up through my hosting provider. Unfortunately, it doesn't allow me to reply on it, um, but I can definitely see your message. So if you want to send me a little note on there, the um just to say, hey, you know, I'm listening to you from wherever it is you're listening to, let me know if you're enjoying the podcast. That'd be great. Uh and I might even include that in my next podcast. Alright, that's it. Gotta go. Hope you have a wonderful week. And once again, remember if you're kind, you are a winner and the star of your own show. And um, that to me is fair. And before you head out, remember what I always say smiles come in all languages and in all colors. All right, take care. Have a great week, everyone.